Divorce counseling and co-parenting 

While divorce is always difficult, it doesn’t have to be traumatic.

Divorce may be more acceptable these days and easier to obtain, but that doesn’t mean that dissolving a marriage is a breeze. On the contrary, it’s one of the most overwhelming experiences you can go through, with aftereffects lasting for years.

The most common reason for divorce given is “lack of communication”. Whatever the couple fights about -whether it is money, cheating, child-rearing, household responsibilities- it is almost irrelevant. It usually boils down to the same thing, communication breakdown. Couples do not listen to one another. They do not attend to the cues along the way indicating that something is wrong with the marriage. Often they bring up the “D” word out of frustration or desperation.  And often all that this may really mean is that one of the spouses is trying to give the marriage a wake-up call, in the hopes of saving the relationship. If this is the case, and the spouses are both willing to acquire insight into the nature of their relationship dynamics and learn the tools they need to regain their emotional connection, marital counseling can offer the opportunity for this to take place. Couples are often able to repair their marriage instead of ending it.

However, once a couple has decided to pursue divorce, divorce counseling can assist in mitigating the pain. Divorce counseling helps couples deal with the emotional issues inherent in dissolving a relationship. Divorce counseling can help them cope more effectively with the separation process allowing both to move ahead more smoothly and begin planning for the future. Divorce counseling does not focus on trying to reconcile the relationship. It assumes that you and your partner want to end the relationship but would like to do so in a way that you both can move on with your lives and diminish its negative impact on your emotional well-being.

It is possible to have an effective divorce that can prepare you for future relationships and minimize the baggage you take with you.

Make an appointment today to explore how you can achieve this and receive the support you need during this very difficult time in your life.       

(925) 640-7481

vilmasylvesterlmft@gmail.com

CO-PARENTING

Making it easier on the children

You are going through your own agony, but at the same time, you have to be strong and supportive for your children- not an easy task. You can be your child’s best resource when it comes to recovering from divorce. A lot has to do with how you and your spouse handle the process, which means, of course, that both of you have to act like grown-ups –not always possible in the heat of the battle. And all too often, there is a battle.  

What’s best for the children is for their parents to find a way to cooperate with each other, especially around parenting issues. Otherwise the children are constantly involved in loyalty conflicts which can have devastating and long lasting consequences for their psychological well-being.

To help you- and your children- achieve the smoothest divorce possible, here are a few suggestions:

  • Tell the children what is happening to the family depending on their ages. It makes a difference on how to approach the topic based on their level of understanding.

  • Listen to your children’s anger. After all, they didn’t ask for this to happen in their lives.

  • Realize that your children will have sad feelings. It will take an average of 2 1/2 to 3 years for them to get over the worst of it.

  • Try to remain patient. Answer your children's questions always, the best you can.

  • Understand your children’s reunion fantasies. Most kids dream about their parents reuniting, even if the marriage was a disaster. Don’t feed into those fantasies, but realize they are normal.     

  • Set up a regular visitation schedule. A schedule provides evidence for the child that the family will still be there despite the many changes brought about by the divorce.

  • Talk to your ex- spouse about the children. Parents who talk about the children, especially during the first year of separation, have children who adjust better to the divorce.

                       Protecting the psychological and developmental functioning of your children is just a phone call away.

Vilma Sylvester, LMFT provides psychotherapy online and in person to individuals, couples and families in the San Fransisco Bay Area.

    Contact me to arrange for a free consultation.

 (925)640-7481

 vilmasylvesterlmft@gmail.com