TEENS AND CHILDREN

PARENT-ADOLESCENT RELATIONAL PROBLEMS

You probably already suspected this, but allow me to tell you anyway: Yes... your teen is crazy. I am not just saying this, I am actually passing down information from the field of brain science. So let’s take a little peak inside the teen brain, shall we? The changes occurring at this stage of development are so profound that they affect nearly every area of behavior. This is a time when the human brain is being transformed from a child to an adult. We could even say that the teen brain is going through a temporary state of “chaos”: things are being shifted around and redesigned sort of speak. The gray matter of an adolescent's frontal lobes, (the structure of the brain that develops complex executive functions, such as reasoning, motivation, judgment and impulse control), grows denser and then abruptly scales back. Neuropathways no longer needed are being pruned away to make room for new growth. Brain chemistry, (like high levels of dopamine driving teens to seek poor judgment thrilling experiences), is being impacted by a roller coaster of hormonal changes. The teen brain needs to reorganize and give itself a "tune up" to be able to handle this internal chaos and continue its development. Now I ask, given all this, how could you not have altered mood and thought that makes you act crazy?

Understanding that an upheaval is occurring in your teen’s brain is a crucial step towards helping you deal the day to day doings of the normal teenage life, (having this piece of scientific knowledge often softened my attitude and approach when dealing with my own teenager). It should make us all a bit more forgiving of teenagers and ourselves as parents. (Yes, I know… they know how to push your buttons). But we really need to rethink how we think of teenager’s altogether. This should be comforting news. An adolescent brain is unfinished. So there is hope. There is still time. Its capacity for neuroplasticity and rewiring offers tremendous possibilities for positive shaping if teens are connected in strength and respect-based relationships with adults. And this is the key for successful interventions with teenagers: your relationship with them.

Although at times you may have to act as though you are your teenager’s frontal cortex and give him a high dose of “tough love”, by nurturing a positive, empathic, respectful and supportive relationship, you will be able to enhance his continuing development. Fear/punishment-based parenting on the contrary, will only help you control your teen, but will not teach him how to control himself or how to prepare to face the challenges of daily life. Remember that you still have the most powerful influence in his life.

Working with teenagers is very different than working with adults or children. I have provided individual, group, family therapy and education for teens and their families in a variety of settings, from hospitals, to group homes and to schools, and have developed an approach that is warm, positive, respectful and effective. Working with teenagers is almost an art form.

So let me help you maintain your own sanity in the meantime, and not unintentionally jeopardize your relationship with your teen. Maybe I can help you realize that your teen is not as crazy as you thought…and that you also need your own dose of self-care. Let's begin for now practicing repeating like a mantra, “This too shall pass”.

HOWEVER...

If you notice behaviors in your teen that go beyond normal “teen moodiness”, there are definitely certain red flags you need to watch out for. Teenage depression isn’t just occasional bad moods, anger or sadness, but it is more common than you think. And it can be a serious problem that impacts every aspect of a teen’s life, causing overwhelming sadness, despair or anger. Some of the signs and symptoms of teenage depression are:

Extreme sadness or hopelessness, irritability, tearfulness or frequent crying
Withdrawal from some, but not all, people, loss of interest in activities
Changes in eating and sleeping habits, restlessness and agitation
Feelings of worthlessness, guilt and boredom
Lack of enthusiasm or motivation, fatigue or lack of energy, difficulty concentrating
Unexplained aches and pains
Extreme sensitivity to criticism, thoughts of death or suicide

No one ever said that adolescence was easy. Growing up can be a complicated business. Get help for your teen now if he needs it. Contact me for a free consultation to discuss your concerns.

(925) 640-7481

vilmasylvesterlmft@gmail.com

PARENT-CHILD RELATIONAL PROBLEMS

Parent-Child relational problems can cause havoc and heart break in families. These problems can stem from a number of family dynamic situations and stressors (such as financial hardship, loss of a loved one, divorce, etc.), or created by either developmental problems with your child, (language delays, cognitive deficits, learning disabilities), or social relationships affecting your child’s functioning, (such as being bullied at school), which consequently can manifest themselves in behavioral and relational problems at home.

Let’s consider the case of a child with a learning disability. Parents face special challenges when dealing with a child who is impacted with learning problems. In addition to the child’s issues with poor academic performance, history of failure, low self-esteem, peer teasing, or symptoms of depression and anxiety they may be experiencing, parents often struggle with their child’s co-occurring behavioral problems. Situations such as doing homework can create some of the most stressful interactions between parent and child. Daily tantrums (possibly from both, the parent and the child), anger, frustration, anxiety and grief, can have negative effects on the quality of the parent-child relationship. Often the child feels misunderstood, not able to meet parent’s expectations, making excuses for mistakes, and trying to cover up the fact that there may be something wrong with him or her. Problems in the relationship will very likely develop if the parent is not aware of the child’s disability, is not educated on how this can impact the child’s functioning, or does not have the support he or she needs to effectively help his or her child.

Another type of family stressor that can impact a parent-child relationship can be the formation of a blended family, where one parent has had an only child for a period of time, (say 10 years) and another child is born from the current relationship. The 10 year old child could feel left out and begin to act out behaviorally in an effort to regain the attention of the parent. Another possible scenario impacting this type of relationship can be that a biological parent begins parenting a child who has been raised by a grandparent or other relative during the formative years (0-5). Since the biological parent has not been the primary caretaker, the bond that usually occurs during early childhood has not been able to develop.

If you are currently finding yourself dealing with similar situations, my role as your therapist would be to help you develop more satisfying, loving and supportive relationships with your children. Some of the areas where I have been most helpful to many parents and their children are: dealing with learning disabilities, ADHD, mood disorders (such as depression), separation anxiety, adjustment problems, trauma and disruptive behaviors, (such as oppositional defiance). I integrate approaches such as Attachment Theory, Play therapy, Strength-Based Therapy and apply Developmental Neurobiology Science in my work with children and their parents.

SPECIALTY AREAS IN WORKING WITH ADOLESCENTS, CHILDREN AND INFANTS

Academic underachievement, learning disabilities
Emotional regulation for children and adolescents with ADHD, Sensory Integration and Processing Disorders
High risk teens- suicidal ideation andself-injurious behaviors, substance abuse, domestic violence
Depression, Anxiety and Trauma
Life transition/ becoming a young adult
Chemical Dependency, children and teens
Raising self-esteem and resilience
Anger management
Parental stress and parent self-care management
Post-Partum Depression and problems bonding with infant
Pregnant teens, teenage mothers and fathers
Loss, Grief and Bereavement

Vilma Sylvester, LMFT provides psychotherapy and coaching to individuals, teens, children, couples and families. Her office is close to Albany, Emeryville, Alameda, Oakland, Piedmont, Walnut Creek and Lamorinda. 1664 Solano Ave. Berkeley, CA 94707

Contact me to arrange for a free consultation.

(925)640-7481